There came a moment when I watched my courage and coping tank. The weight of being a caregiver, the fear of losing my husband, the exhaustion of managing appointments and medications and emotions all collided. In that moment, my husband looked at me and made one request: “You must be brave.”
But how do you be brave when your courage has run out? How do you find strength when you feel empty? This became my struggle, not just with the circumstances, but with God. I needed to find a source of courage that didn’t depend on my own reserves, because those reserves were depleted.
I began keeping a journal, filling pages with conversations with my Dear Friend, my Sherpa, who carried the burdens too heavy for me. In those pages, I poured out my fears, my exhaustion, my questions. I didn’t need to be strong for God. I could be honest about my weakness, my need, my desperation.
On that hot June morning, when Werner began his last pitch on his two-and-a-half year climb to survive cancer, I knew what was coming and needed courage to face it. He suggested I take a walk in the gardens outside, where I met the Blue Lady Sculpture. What I saw in her stance against something she faced renewed my commitment to honor Werner’s request.
Returning to Room 107, I sat by the window and had a conversation with God, asking for His grace and strength to face whatever came our way that day. I opened the little Bible that Werner kept on his bedside table and saw the words from Isaiah 40 staring back at me: “Those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like an eagle, run and not be weary.”
Just as I finished writing those words from Isaiah in my journal, Megan, the hospital’s young intern chaplain, arrived. When she asked if she could pray with us, of course we said yes. She first opened her Bible and began reading the exact text from Isaiah 40 that I had just written in my journal. In that moment, I knew I was not alone. God was providing the courage I needed, not from my own strength, but from His.
God’s promise was real to sustain Werner and me through better or worse, sickness and health, until death. But we have a choice to seek His mind, to look at Him and not at the disasters around us. We will learn more about Him as we let Him govern our attitudes towards sorrow and trials. With courage wrapped in love, I was ready to climb to the summit with Werner where Jesus waited to take him home.
If your courage has run out, know that you are not alone. There is a source of strength beyond your own reserves. It doesn’t make the journey easy, but it makes it possible. You can honor the request to be brave, not from your own strength, but from the One who carries you when you cannot carry yourself.
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