Spiritual Warfare/The Esophageal Cancer Journey

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The Fifth Gate II – The Enemy, The Mocking Voice

Nightmares and Esophageal Cancer’s Low Survival History.

You kiss a dead man the mocking voice taunted.

It was late night.  I said to my husband, “You don’t mind if I read a while longer?”

“No love, I don’t mind, but you will fall asleep like usual.” I smiled at him and put down my book.

He knew me well.

He leaned toward me. We embraced. Our lips touched, a soft and loving good night kiss. From out of the depths of my mind a voice struck me with the force of a rattlesnake sinking its venomous words into our good night ritual.

You kiss a dead man.

Trapped inside this waking nightmare, I felt the enormity of the words I read while researching esophageal cancer. There is a 20-percent chance to survive esophageal cancer for five years if discovered early. The survival odds diminished for my husband’s Stage III esophageal cancer diagnosis. No matter how many Web sites I visited to boost my hopes all came up short on the survival side.

It was just the beginning of my husband’s fight to survive and I knew I would lose him. I hit the close key on my computer. No this can’t happen to us. I stared out the window at November leafless trees and mowed field. Tears blurred the landscape. I told no one about what all the reports said. But one mocking voice knew.

I hid the poisonous words deep inside my head while every cell beneath my skin recoiled, except in my heart were my love for him lingered in his embrace and kiss.

I said nothing to him about the attack of the mocking voice.

For awhile I lay awake.  Thoughts swirled around in my head… I  can’t lose him. statistics say otherwise. I hated knowing,  and by knowing, I felt like I betrayed my husband.

 A few weeks into our cancer journey , my husband, a tough private person, made one request at a time the fight we faced overwhelmed me.  “You must be brave!”

Although I was anything  but brave, I wrestled with how to best support my husband. When I chose to rely on God to help me honor  his request, I acquired an enemy. I named the enemy the mocking voice and unaware the this enemy was not finished with me.

 My nightmares began.